Oi! Fucking mentalist coffin dodger in the mobility cart – driving in the middle of the cunting fucking road:
1. Move out the way you fucking arsewipe!
2. MOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Go broom-broom bye-bye!
3. Why are you driving in the middle of the road up a busy high street? huh? WHY?! WHY???
– oh, and move you fucking burk!!
I need to be somewhere on time, so travelling at a maximum of 4mph aint gonna cut it buddy.
Turn off, pull over – sprout some fucking wings & fly away, just do whatever the fuck you gotta do & get out of the damn buses way, Now! – before I jump off this bus & go all road rage on yo’ crazy head, mofo.
This weekend I put up the Tree at the BF’s!
I was quite looking forward to the task, despite feeling like crap – and the fact that the tree is actually older than him and a bit sparse! But I was filled to the brim with glittering joy, that was until I discovered the tree was impersonating the leaning tower of pisa.
Despite trying everything, rearranging, dismantling, starting again – and even nailing the fucker to a plank of mdf – it still looks like it’s going to take a dive, so I just crossed my fingers, hoped for the best & continued regardless – and obviously not thinking things through as I decided to make the leaning side the front of the tree! doh!
….and you may place your bets to how long it stands!
and so forth to the (slightly better quality than usual) photo-bonanza! Continue reading
“Cheer up luv, it might never happen”
Do you know what, ‘mate’? “IT” just fucking did happen!
– I was minding my own business, when some utter arsehat came along and thought he could pass judgement on my happiness levels & my face.
So now I have to use every last bit of my tolerance & will power not to punch you in the throat.
So Jog on. Go fly a kit. Do one. Fucking knob.
I don’t really have that much to say about this – apart from this has got to be the best advert I’ve seen in the past few years…..
So picking up from where I left off on my first Christmas post….
I’d started working on some ridiculously long horns for the Krampus mask. That first attempt just didn’t work, they just flopped all over the place – so I started from scratch on a smaller set.
But lets start with the mask – I won it on ebay for about £0.60p – and it looked like this –
Creepy man at the bus stop, don’t be creepy!
Don’t creep up behind a total stranger and murmur “eh-lo beh-be” in their ear.
Because, 1. It’s really fucking creepy, you cunt.
and 2. As you discovered – you startled me; So you got the knee jerk reaction of a wallopp to your mid section.
No, I’m really not sorry.
I also do not want to talk to you, that’s why I’ve told you to fuck off.
One thing I’m often asked, especially whilst shovelling a piece of cake into my mouth, is – “K!? How do YOU keep your figure?!?” – and I’m never really sure how to answer that…
Pickled, sealed in a airtight container, stored in a cool dark place – away from direct sunlight?
So lets start – Diet….
It’s very important to have a healthy, well-balanced diet that includes your ‘5 a day’. Thankfully chocolate actually has ALL 5! Yes mofo – all-fucking-five!
Don’t believe me? tsk! just look at the ingredients and you’ll clearly see that my word is truth!
Recently I placed an order with Only Maker, for a pair of fabulous looking booties that were on clearance at $20 – so £13.33 (postage was £6 something…), and that also promised a 3-4 day delivery for their “European crazy fans”,
Just look at them! Just look….. Mmm! They make me want to reach out and stroke them in a seemingly inappropriate manner.