So, anyone that even remotely knows me – could hazard a guess about my opinion on babies.
I’ve never in my entire life wanted one, I don’t like them – I generally just about tolerate them at best.
Yeah, yeah, yeah – I’m sure yours is lovely, truly fabulous, good for you for popping one out, blah blah blah
– But for me, I just find babies to be an annoyance – ugly, nasty little screeching poo-machines; they’re all pink, fat & shrivelled up and I just don’t want anything to do with them – although I will admit that Chinesey babies can be kind of ‘sweet’, and some brown babies too, just along as they’re not making unnecessary nose and I don’t have to be too close to them.
….But even then, that cuteness is pretty short lived; as whenever I see a baby – I just remember how they’re really a parasite (or at least was) – and then for some reason, the repugnant image of afterbirth just pops up into my head, and that’s really not a pretty picture, especially as placentas make me think of those scary crab-like creatures from the Alien movies – that shoot out and attach on to your face;
So I start thinking of women in childbirth – with shooting aliens flying out of their snatch and attaching onto unsuspecting peoples faces.
So Babies – Ew! No thanks, that’s far too many mental images I’d rather not be dealing with.
But I digress! this is actually a reason why I hate public transport – and a particular big annoyance for me.
So you’re all probably thinking I’m gonna be moaning about babies?
But no, this isn’t actually aimed at the little shit machines, this is actually about all the new cunting parents of the world – that think riding public transport is the perfect opportunity for a ‘show & tell’ for their new beastly little creature!
The latest example was just the other week, a desperate looking fatty with limp greasy hair, kept aiming her chubby little beast baby in my direction, I think with the strange delusion that I may smile & engage, or something??
The obvious lack of interest on my face obviously wasn’t enough of a hint, as after a few attempts the mother decided to inform me that the baby ‘likes’ me.
As you could imagine, I found the idea totally preposterous so twas met with a look of total disgust (think: someone just shoved a pooey finger under your nose) & the politest “not interested” I could muster from my achy face.
She seemed confused and offended by my response, that a total stranger wouldn’t be interested in her little darling?!
Should I have been interested? – I think prehaps the maternal-baby-loving & socially-polite genes totally skipped me by – as I have absolutely no desire to even pretend that I am even remotely interested in babies – or to be forced into enduring the tiresome & brainless baby related conversation.
It truly baffles me why anyone would be, especially if it’s not your child??
Awww, its a baby! Can it talk? No?
Can it walk? no?
Can it do anything apart from cry, shit & puke? – No?
Is it teething? no?
oh, how fascinating!
awww, how sweet, its a baby……
I am baffled why random people keep doing this to me, I don’t look friendly and nor do I possess a face that looks like it cares – but somehow I’m obviously giving off the totally wrong impression and I would really like to do something to change that!
I just feel that if I wanted to look at a small person – really look a it, actually be interested and engage in what I would class as a decent conversation all about ‘it’, then that occasion wouldn’t be on public transport – It would be in a museum, when it is a skinless specimen in a glass display cabinet.