One thing I’m often asked, especially whilst shovelling a piece of cake into my mouth, is – “K!? How do YOU keep your figure?!?” – and I’m never really sure how to answer that…
Pickled, sealed in a airtight container, stored in a cool dark place – away from direct sunlight?
So lets start – Diet….
It’s very important to have a healthy, well-balanced diet that includes your ‘5 a day’. Thankfully chocolate actually has ALL 5! Yes mofo – all-fucking-five!
Don’t believe me? tsk! just look at the ingredients and you’ll clearly see that my word is truth!
1. Cocoa – is a beany planty vegetable thing
2. Sugar – which comes from sugarcane which is also a plant, so basically a vegetable
3. milk comes from cows – and they just eat glassy planty healthy stuff all day, so milk must just be the liquid version of vegetables.
4. VEGETABLE fats
5. Emulsifier – which is usually soya, which is a protein derived from a plant! so another vegetable!
AND…. seeing as a lot of chocolate comes with the statement “may contain traces of nuts” – that’s possibly portion number 6!
But if you’re terribly concerned with definitely getting that extra portion, I’d recommend something like cadburys fruit & nut, or something orangey – as that’ll usually have ‘natural’ orange favouring / orange oil, so it’s just like eating a real orange, but without all that unnecessary mess.
So now that’s out of the way – the rest of my diet…
I don’t really eat during the day – so no ‘real’ breakfast or lunch. I just fuel myself on coffee & chocolate biscuits; But that’s fine – coffee is a beany vegetable thing and biscuits have got oats and shit – so they’re ‘healthy’.
Then I have dinner, which is usually something with cheese & smothered in chilli.
Apparently capsaicin – which is a chemically thing found in chilli peppers, can help speed up your metabolism and make you lose weight. I dunno if that’s a load of pap or not – I just think it’s nice to add a handful of colour to my food and I enjoy the tingle on my lips.
– and that’s usually all washed down with a chocolate milkshake.
and then I have dessert, which is usually Chocolate, obviously.
Now for the other side of the coin, Exercise.
Yeah, I don’t really do the exercise thing either, but what I do – do….
Sometimes I walk about a mile & a half, all uphill – usually in heels, but only when I can’t bare the thought of being trapped on a bus filled with school children.
and a handful of times a week, I get up before 4am and go dog walking, because my dogs are total cunts.
And whilst I brush my teeth, I do a little silly little wiggly dance – in my head, that is what’s gonna give me some sexy jesus-abs, although I generally forget to do it, so that probably only happens two or three times a week at most.
Oh! and I do Yoga – but that only seems to happen a handful of times a year; But I have a flat stomach, so it’s obviously all working.
Other than that, having OCD seems to have one benefit, whilst my head may feel like it’s going to explode, that anxious energy is being fabulous and burning off those excess calories.
So that my dears, is the secret to how I stay a size 10, or sometimes a 8. or maybe a 12 – if plenty of cake is involved.